I like doing art. I like singing. I like making music. I like making little tweedily projects out of found objects. Yeah. I do stuff like that. That's when I have energy. I have not had energy lately. I've had so little energy I haven't even been able to grasp on to any of my dreams. They just... they kind of float in, like an image, and then they're gone again, because I've haven't been able to hold on to anything. I haven't REMed, I haven't had any rapid eye movement in over eight months.

My sleeping conditions are horrible. Worse than it's ever been. Anything you could pile on top of it, it's there. I barely get snatches of sleep. If I get some rest, my eyes are awake the whole time. And my brain is down, and you can't wake up to it. You can't wake up to it.

My mental life is fine. It just seems to be everyone else. Everyone else around me seems to have an issue with it. I don't know why they'd have an issue with my sleep, but they do. My sleep is interrupted constantly, like forcefully. Yeah. It's really strange. It’s not frightening. It’s just like, intrusive. Very intrusive.

[The current state of my dream life] is really bad. I used to dream really good. It has changed from really good to the worst I can imagine. The worst I could imagine, if I could imagine it worse, it's changed to that. It's pretty bad. I don't hang onto them. There's no rapid eye movement. And apparently that's where your dreams come. I mean, I usually don't think about rapid eye movement, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately 'cause I'm like, “Am I?” Because I know I'm not getting it. My dreams feel like... just full of fluff, in a sense. Like, I'm trying to pretend I dreamed, but I didn't. It's kinda weird.

When I was younger [my dreams] were very vivid. Yeah. I enjoyed them. Scary ones and everything. Yeah. If I hadn't had a scary dream in a while, I'd be like, “Get prepared for it” [laughs]. Really. They were weird too. But yeah, I used to dream really vividly.

You know what, when you haven't dreamed in so long, they go away. Yeah, they do. I can't think of any. I worry about that. I don't know if it's affecting my central nervous system or, you know, my electrolytes or whatever. I don't know. Like if the firing is all wrong or whatever. I know it's unhealthy not to get rapid eye movement. I think I read somewhere it's like 28 hours without rapid eye movement, you begin to feel like a decrease somewhere. And I'm like, whoa, 28 days, multiply that by six or something. Yeah. And I'm, like, this can only be unhealthy.

I grew up in a scene where it was, “Are drugs involved?” If yes, “Are they handling it well?” If yes, “Welcome them in.” If not, it's like, “You need time to yourself.” You know what I mean? It's sort of an environment like that. And I can tell people around me need time to themselves, you know?

When I was a kid, if I ever slept in the living room at my grandmother's house, I would have this funny dream about this ghoul or something, or this shadow that wanted to get in through the window. But I'd be like, “No, you can't come in through the window.” So, it would come in through the fireplace and then it would hatch eggs or something. Something like that [laughs]. It was really scary as a kid. I was eight years old. This is a recurring dream, you know? Always [happened] when I slept in the living room of my grandmother’s house. Sometimes I would crawl into the living room and sleep there, and I would constantly get that dream.

We lived on the corner of like, the only street in the city that didn't have a sidewalk. And we lived on the corner. You know, there's a big weeping willow. And so, it was perfect for, like, weird visuals. They put sidewalks in, finally [laughs]. But it was, like, the only street in the city that didn’t have a sidewalk. It was cool. It was a scary house. Yeah, it was like, the bungalow on the street, you know? Every other house had three stories. And we were like the bungalow. It was just funny like that. But I had a good relationship with my grandmother. I think things kind of improved when my grandfather died, which is kind of funny. She was very family.

It just isn't happening right now. It's been like over nine months. And I'm like, this just isn't happening. When I dream, I'm false dreaming or something weird. Nothing I've ever experienced before. I can't get into that head space. I mean, I've had about four dreams this year. Normally I would remember them pretty regularly. But that's what my last dream was about, I think—just not being able to dream.