I'm from Elsipogtog. That's Big Cove [Band]. That's around Richibucto area, Moncton. But I grew up in Oromocto, which is on the other side of New Brunswick. My dad is in Nova Scotia. I am Mi’kmaq and I grew up on a Maliseet community, so I learned both languages. I knew my language as a kid, like, as a baby growing up. I guess those two tribes don't get along, but they seem to marry each other [laughs] because they're the only two tribes in New Brunswick.

When I was young, I was really scared of the dark. I don't know why. I was scared of seeing things. I have no idea why. I never slept. When I was younger—when I was a teenager—I'd stay up all night and then go to school. I'd fall asleep in school all day. But I'd go and pick up my youngest brother. I always had to babysit my brother and sister. So, I'd go pick him up and I'd have him in my room, 'cause if I had somebody, anyone there, there with me, I wouldn't be so scared, and I could fall asleep. Or I’d have to fall asleep with TV on.

I have to sleep in the cold. My window's always wide open. My mom hated that 'cause I was right across from her, and she likes the heat. So, my dad would always have to come in every night and close my windows and make sure my TV was off. 'Cause he'd go through all our rooms, make sure our TVs are off and everything. My parents, they're really strict on schedule [about] going to sleep. I remember going to sleep at daylight time. It was probably about eight o'clock. I probably was not in bed. It’s like, “why are we going to bed? There's still light outside.”

I'd get stuck in dreams. Like when I had bad dreams, I'd get stuck in them. I always had dreams of people chasing me, coming after me. I’ve always had that dream. It didn't matter where I was, and I'd wake up and I'd try to stay awake so I could try to switch my mind around and think of something else. But I'd hop right back into that same dream and all night it would do the same dream, same dream, same thing, same dream. It's scary running for your life, like all night long, in your sleep. So, you kind of like, learn not to sleep after a while 'cause I couldn't control my dreams when I was younger.

Now I don't dream at all. At least I don't think I dream at all. I don't feel like I dream at all. I don't remember it. My husband died out here, six years ago. So, I'm not sure if that's due to him. I was always hoping I’d dream of him, you know, or he'd come see me. It’s kind of a thing in our culture. But I don't dream of him at all. Or I don't dream. I don't remember anything.

I was scared to have him come and actually tell me what I was thinking anyway. You know what I mean? Yeah. I didn't want to hear those things. But like, I don't remember dreaming. I don't feel like I dream about anything. I can't remember anything when I wake up. And a lot of the times I got completely obliterated so I can’t dream. But now I can fall asleep. But a lot of the time I stay up.

I have spent a lot of time on the street here. Like probably four years. You learn how to be a night owl. I sleep during the day somewhere. But, yeah, I was scared he'd tell me something I didn't wanna know, 'cause we were having some problems on the trip.

He came to my mom [in a dream]. And my mom said… my mom was very, she's very… I don't know what she is. I dunno, best I can explain is like a medicine woman, maybe. My mother's a really powerful woman. She's been through so much shit and she just seems to keep going. She's another one [who] suffers insomnia too. It's really bad.

After I had kids, my whole life changed. I was paranoid to a point where I would stay up all night with my kids in my bed. I was so scared that something would break into my house. My father and my husband [were] always working somewhere. I worked too, but I had the boys. I'd take some time off when I had the boys. They were barely a year apart. And I would sit there and watch them all night. I played with them outside all day. I was so scared of somebody taking my kids. I ended up watching the whole rez, pretty much, 'cause they're like, “Oh, Allison's out there. Send kids out.”

My mom's father went to residential school and my baby-father's father went to residential school. And they were both very, very violent men. They were drinkers and, you know. I’ve seen both sides, and it wasn't a nice thing, you know?

When Simon went to my mother [in a dream], he told her, “tell Allison, I didn't mean for this to happen. It was an accident. I didn't know. I wouldn't have left her there.” My mother and him had a really good relationship. They started off a little bit, whatever, but they had a good relationship, 'cause they both spoke really fluent Mi’kmaq. And we spent a lot of time with my mom. We lived with her for a while. And my mom's a pretty easygoing person, you know. She wasn't always very traditional. I talked to her about everything. She knows everything about me. There's nothing I don't think ever hid from my mother. I told her I stopped dreaming too. And she is just like, “...they'll come back soon.” Because your dreams are kind of an escape sometimes. You know what I mean? From the real world. If it's a good one [laughs]. And anyway, it's nice. It feels good to dream, you know? And when you're not dreaming or not remembering them, I feel like I'm at a loss. Like, I don't know what to do. Like, I don't know how to get them back. I don't know what I'm doing that's blocking it from happening.

Simon was the one person that kept me safe. When he got arrested that time, we lost everything. We lost our car. We lost everything we owned. And we were supposed to keep going to Thunder Bay.

I lived in Moss Park, the park, by myself in a tent. And every time somebody ODed, they always came and got me. And it's like, “my man just died. Like, this is traumatizing, you guys.” But I'll do it. Yeah. Like, I have to, I have no choice. Like, I'm not gonna let him die. And it traumatized me every time I had to see that face. The face of somebody who died again. I don't wanna see it again. And I know I will