I'm shy. Like, I'm outgoing, but I get a little shy.

I need pills to sleep. Yeah. I can't, well, I can fall asleep, but it's so hard. I sleep less than [is] probably normal. I have a problem staying asleep.

Things happened to me when I was a kid, and it was during the night. I got woken up. Not in such a good way. So, I think that might have something to do with me [being unable to] stay asleep. I don't know. When I was between nine and eleven, my, uh, sister's husband used to, uh, molest me, I guess. And then my sister was gonna send my niece home for the weekend, and I didn't want to happen to her, so I told my sister what was going on. She instantly divorced him, and she wanted me to go to the police and stuff. And I didn't want to do all that. I was too young.

I feel it's affected my whole life in a very negative way, unfortunately. I try not to think about it.

I don't have bad dreams all the time. No nightmares, surprisingly. [But] I wake up expecting [that] bad things can happen to me. I even remember at one point I would pretend I was sleepwalking just to get away from the situation. But then I almost feel like he would drug my sister because I would sleep in the middle of them and she would never wake up. And even though I'd like, you know, try and get her to—without speaking—to get her up. But she would never get up. So, I think he maybe slipped her like benzos or something to keep her asleep so he could do what he did, you know?

I dream of my parents and stuff, 'cause they're gone, and I feel like that's the only time I get to see them. I like those dreams. Even if they're bad or whatever, I still like them because I see them, you know? I like when I wake up and I remember a dream. I wish I would dream more, tell you the truth.

I like to dream about my parents. They've been going a long time, but they affected me dramatically. [We were a] very close old-fashioned Greek family. Unfortunately, my dad passed in Greece. He went down to fix the house, like vacation, and he got sick down there. So I flew down. I got two weeks with him. I flew back, and then he passed. So I flew back. And the way they do it… it was my first funeral, unfortunately, my father, and it was in Greece, which was very… weird, like the way they do things down there. It’s very dramatic. I was 25.

I didn't have my third child yet. So, he never got to meet her, but he met the boys. My first son I named after him. It was very important to him that one of us do that. I was closer with my dad than my mom. But [I dream of] my mom as well. She died two years after my dad. I feel like she died of a broken heart. And then recently my sister passed, [who] I was very close with. She helped raise my kids. She was a great woman. Unfortunately, she died of lung cancer. She had quit smoking for eight years. But the damage was already done.

I mean, they're always here, right? My mom is buried up in Scarborough there. I remember driving and I couldn't find her. It's a big cemetery, right? And I remember driving around there for like an hour. I couldn't find her [laughs]. But I finally found her.

My youngest is 21 now, so. They're not babies anymore. I miss them 'cause my, since my sister passed—I was always in their life—but since she passed, my nephew kind of took over. They all live together in my sister's house there, but she's gone, and I don't know. Things are just different now. I don't really get to see them or talk to them, which is stupid. I've always been a drug addict. I mean, that hasn't changed. I did stay clean for two years, but the difference was I was living there with my kids and my sister.

April 11 was my dad's birthday. And my sister died in April. So, this time [April] is a little hard. I wish I would dream more. I don't know if it has anything to do with anything, but yeah, I find I really don’t dream that much. Maybe it's the drugs. I don't know. Drug use affects my whole life. Every part of it. Maybe I do dream and I just don't remember.

My parents had me when they were 40. And I kind of feel a little cheated. And, uh, it's a little selfish, but I was mad that my sisters had more time with them than I did. There's a 12-year difference between me and my next sibling. So, she had a whole other life with them. I have—I had—three sisters.

And the one passed and the other two just don't talk to me or care about me. They just kind of say, “She's a bad one.” My niece passed away and I didn't find out until a year later. Drug overdose. So, I didn't get to go to the funeral. I didn't even know. Just, you know, not very nice. We all have addictions. All four of us. Mine's just the worst one. One's a shopaholic. The other one, you know, well, we all have mental problems. With me, I feel like when I use, I don't think, feel, or hurt.