I've always been the type to be wanting to decipher my dreams or find the meanings behind them. I'm really interested in how it all works. It's rare that I don't dream. I was in detox for the last month. They gave me something to assist with sleep because it was kind of irregular, and I noticed that my sleep was so light, it didn't feel like I slept at all. Like, every noise I heard, I just woke up. When I’m using, it’s the only way I can sleep comfortably. I have to be in an environment where there's not too much going on or else I'd be highly sedated. External stimuli, like auditory [noises], sometimes I feel like it plays a factor in guiding the dreams or manipulating them in a way. Because I'm hearing things as I'm sleeping, it kind of shifts the subject of my dreams.

I experienced loss for the first time like a year and a half ago. I lost my partner. It’s weird that I haven't dreamed about her. It’s weird. And I don't know why. I don't know, maybe because I haven't moved through it. Or maybe it's because I haven't had time, or I’m going through denial. But even still, somebody that I’d see every day? It's kind of weird, you know? The first year I was like, “I can't wait to go to sleep. Maybe I’ll dream about her or something.”

I told my mom that last month. She said maybe I don't dream about her 'cause she's at peace, but I’m like, still, being such a main component... I think about that a lot.

I'm always thinking about my dreams, how they play out, why. What's happening during the present day or the days before? Sometimes I'd say, “oh shit, maybe I dreamt this for a reason.” Almost like a déjà vu thing. I was really thinking a lot about that when I was in detox. I was like, I'm gonna try to get as much rest as I can to untangle some of like those thinking patterns that get me stuck, or [the] consuming thoughts that I have. Maybe it helped me process some things, think about the past. Looking back on it, [they were] things I already realized. But maybe I was, like, really processing them. So, maybe that helped because before, I was like running around [and] I rarely got sleep. I guess [because] everything was so unstable.

I don't daydream. It's not daydreaming, it's something more like thinking back on what people are saying and doing and why. I think about that a lot. It's maybe just more thoughts. Just like planning to try to change my situation. Repeating things like that. Hopefully it turns into action.

I heard this fact that every face you see in your dreams, you don't make up faces—it's actually faces you actually see in your life. Like you may not know who that person is, but you've come across that person like on the subway or something. I took AP Psych, and we were doing something about the brain, and I was reading [that] you can dream about a person and a situation, but when you interpret it, sometimes it's not actually the person that you see, that you're communicating with or having that dialogue or experience with [they’re a substitute for someone else]. So, when I dream, I do think about that. I always think, “why was this person who I don't really connect with, so, like, prevalent?” you know?

I share my dreams with my mom mostly. She pays attention to her dreams a lot. But other than that, it’s something I just think about myself. I think maybe that could just be, because like after losing [my partner] and things like that, I feel like I've been distant from everybody, and I don't want to share anything. It’s personal to me. So maybe that's why I stopped sharing. Because especially when everything occurred, in the beginning, I felt like, damn, I'm just spilling everything everywhere. I wish I just broke down and burned it, so I didn't invite so many people into, like, pain, you know?

I’m really just still at the beginning. Dreams are very personal. I think they’re meant to be processed.