I live in a cabin underneath the Gardiner [Expressway] with my girlfriend. It's just us two now. We did have [other] people there, [but] they've moved on, either to another destination, or they've gotten housing. Our turn's coming up soon hopefully. We've been out on the streets way too long, so it's our turn, hopefully soon. Patience is a virtue, I guess.

I mostly have happy dreams. I do have nightmares once in a while, but that's from my past. When I was younger, I was bullied a lot. So, those tend to come up here and there. The bumps and bruises, you know, they all go away, but the fear... No kid should be scared to go to school, right? And I used to be scared to go to school, so yeah. Those are the ones that sink in. I remember a lot of them.

It's gotten better, but I remember my mom used to always have a hard time putting me to bed. I was very energetic, and I hated to sleep. I always thought I was gonna miss something, right? My mom's household was very active, a lot of family coming in and out, all hours, you know? So, I was always thinking, I'm gonna miss something, I'm gonna miss something. My mom put me to bed, say nine o'clock, and it'd be like midnight and I'm still bouncing around in the bedroom, you know? And she's like, “I've taken everything away from him. Like, how could he possibly be having fun in there?” But I was one of those kids that you could gimme a piece of paper and a pencil, and I'd be like, zoned in, you know? And yeah, so maybe that's part of why I don't sleep to this day. Maybe it's still, I think I'm gonna miss something.

Thank God my mother didn't get me on Ritalin or anything like that. I'm glad 'cause I know a lot of my friends that did get put on Ritalin. It damaged them in the long run. But yeah, my father put me in sports. So that's where I was able to get out my beans, I guess. You know what I mean? Just this little runt kid. I had a bunch of energy, and I still do. But I'm slowing down a little bit more, you know? I'm 46, but I feel a little bit older, right? Maybe being on the streets is kicking my butt a little. But, you know, one day I'll be able to lock a door again and be able to relax and possibly have a nice dream.

I dream a lot about the day we'd sign papers and got in our apartment. I dream [about that] a lot. When I'm closing my eyes, that's the last memory, like I'm signing the papers. And it's weird because it's almost like I zoom into my dream again before, just before I wake up. And I'm crossing the threshold, you know what I mean? Like I am signing the paper. She's signing the paper, and then we're walking through the door and I'm awake. Whatever happens in between me signing the paper and us walking through the threshold, it is kind of foggy. So, I'm hoping that the day that we actually get the apartment, I'll be able to know what happened. You know what I mean?

It seems like the only [other] full dreams that I remember are the nightmares. And it sucks, right? Like, like I wake up in sweat and out of breath, which is weird because I thought when you dream, you're supposed to be relaxed. But like, when I'm awoken in a panic almost, and like, sometimes crying. And then I realize that I'm having one of the damn dreams, nightmares, again. I don't call them dreams. I call them nightmares.

It was a very dark time in my life. My father did not support me. My father thought I should be a man. And I'm like, “I'm a kid. I'm not a man yet, dad.” You know what I mean? Like, “I'm not there yet. You forgot one thing. I have to be a kid first,” you know?

There was one that I wake up a lot to, and it's me running home from school. I'm running and I can see a face in the front door. And it's, and like—this is true [happened in real life]—my dad's home from work early, right? And I looked up to my father, even though like, he was a prick, you know? He was my hero, right? So, I'm running home and, and frightened like scared because there's three kids chasing me. And these same three kids constantly kick my ass. And like, they wouldn't stop until each of them were satisfied, you know? So I see my dad and I'm like, finally, you know, like, my dad's gonna come out and protect me. He's gonna come out, out and kick the shit out of these kids. And the opposite happened.

There’s four or five steps up to the porch and there's the front door. I'm like, “dad, dad, these are the guys.” And I turn around and they're not chasing me no more. So, I'm confused. But I go up the rest of the stairs and I am like, “you're home from work.” And then I hear the one kid's voice. We lived in like a townhouse type thing. He comes out of the playground area at the side, and I look over and it was the worst one of the worst feelings, you know?

I'm like, fuck, I'm trapped, right? But then I'm like, my dad's home, he's gonna come, he's gonna like, come out and help me. And all I can remember is hearing the door lock. And then him just say, “Son, you gotta learn how to be a man.” And my mom screaming like, “Moose, get out of the way. Fuck it, asshole!” You know? Like, “This is your son,” you know? Yeah. And this shit kicking. Yeah. Right there on the porch, you know? And my mom was able to get out and she kicked the shit out of a couple of them. But that day changed a lot in the house. That's the nightmare. I have other ones that are just falling off a building and then waking up just before you hit the ground. But that one, like, I feel like it's gonna be with me until I take my, you know, dirt nap.

No matter how much I focus before I go to bed on like the happiest thing, and you know lately the thing that would make me the happiest man is to be able to get my girl and I off the street. She's in pain a lot. She's an inspiration man. I wake up with a sore knee or something, and crying, and this girl wakes up every day facing the day with a smile and in constant pain. She just reminds me there's a lot more to worry about [than] a little bit of pain. Yeah. She's just unbelievable. She’s my best friend.

I think as a person, for me especially, I was always taught it is not how you start the race. It's how you finish. My mom's always about like, “Don't worry about the negativity. You're gonna have to face it every day. There's negative stuff. Always try to find the positivity out of, of any situation, even if it's positive, try to find something that is more positive you can take away from it.”

I dream a lot about my mom because I haven't seen her a lot lately. She's kind of sick and I worry about her a lot, but it's not necessarily like bad dreams or anything. I see little messages on Messenger that she throws me, and she's like, “I miss you.” And I cry because I can't bring myself to call her. I haven't talked to my mom in two years because I can't bring myself to call her and say, “Yeah, mom, I'm still out here. I'm homeless. Like, nothing's changed. I'm still the stupid guy that can't get anything going.” I feel, you know, I feel like the door opens, but then it shuts. It's just, we've done everything we could, but, but I know my mother. It wouldn't bother her. She just wants to hear my voice, but I want to be able to give her a good voice.

I share everything with my mom. That's why it's hard that I haven't talked to in two years. My mom's a great, great woman, strong woman. She's been through a lot. So, it's nice to dream about my mom.

I've expressed every feeling that I could feel [in this interview]. Like, I went from happy, sad, terrified. I mean, I feel cleansed. I feel great right now. You know what I mean? I really do. I think that's very important. And I think a lot of people will sit down with you ladies [and] will feel the same thing, if they're really actually about opening up to the dream thing. Like, it's fascinating to me. Like it's, it's actually cleansed me [laughs]. It's real.

Moss Park means everything. Sarah's an angel. People see on the outside see drugs, crime, violence. I see home. I'm very comfortable here. I love my people here. Every single one of them. I'm proud and honored that I've been accepted. For anybody to say anything negative about this place, they just don't know what real is, 'cause we have it all here. You know, you have a lot of happiness. Don't be scared to come here. We're not bad people. We love people. We love life. Sure, we're a little awkward, but we have so much to offer the rest of the world. We are Moss Park strong, you know, nobody can take that away. And I'm honored to be part of it.

Hopefully after a little bit of stuff like this, maybe, uh, our voice is being heard, maybe they'll change. Shutting down these consumption sites: they're murdering my family, man. You know? And it's not fair because you don't fucking know what this place is about. I wouldn't have hope without this place. I wouldn't be me. Damn. And like, and they're taking it away and they're murdering my family and friends, without anything, without even giving us a chance.

The fact that people come here is because the door's open. Open to any way you want to feel. People don't see that. We have nurses here where people that use don't want to go to the hospitals 'cause they don't have time. These nurses work their ass off and they get them the care they need so they don't lose a fucking leg or an arm. They work hard. Yeah. You know, and don't get credit. I'm not taking anything away from any nurse, doctor at the hospital because they're heroes in my mind. But these people here are heroes. Real heroes, too. And you're taking their jobs away from them without any... they can't protect their job.

The government don't give a shit about us. They're just gonna tear down places and put up their own. Just like the condos that are getting thrown up here, you know. That's why I'm homeless. I tie rebar for a living. I cannot go tie rebar for 14 hours a day and go home to a tent. I have a hardship. I'm not a bum, you know? I'm homeless. I'm the same person as anybody else. The only difference is that I don't have a home.