This day brings sad memories. Today is the anniversary of my father’s death, so, I feel sad, but it’s okay. My dad was very supportive with me. I have two children in Paraguay. I have a boy, that is seventeen, and a girl, that’s fourteen. Today is a special occasion for me. I am always very sad this day. When I close my eyes, I think a lot about my father.

My parents are the maternal and paternal figures for my children, because I came [to Europe] when my daughter was 3 months old, and my son was 3 years old. I came to Spain, and lived there for nine years, and then I started traveling all over the world. I have been living here in Switzerland for two months. I worked in Spain, and sent them money so that they can go to school

I visit there, but I don’t stay there because there is a lot of macho behavior and it’s a very poor country. It’s very complicated when you have lived in a different place for so long. I have lived outside my country for fourteen years, so now my way of thinking isn’t the same, and I don’t see things like people there, or even as I used to see things. Here, I am married to a woman. In my country, they don’t accept my marriage. I went through a lot of ugly things for being gay. That’s why I left. I have traveled there with my wife. We went to Paraguay in December. We went for the anniversary of my father’s death, because I couldn’t go when he died.

Here, at least, I feel well. I have never had problems of racism. I have always lived well, I mean, in Spain. I lived in the north part of Spain, in Bilbao, for many years. To me, Spain is my second country, because I came here when I was 23, and now I am 37. And, when I arrived here in Switzerland, I didn’t feel much change. It’s just a little bit more difficult, and complicated, but not so bad. I am about to receive my papers.

I used to work with a lady that was a biochemist for Chanel, so, we used to travel a lot. I used to come here, and stay for a month, or fifteen days, and then I traveled everywhere in the world: to Paris, Rome, the United States, everywhere. I went to a lot of places with her, and, at the end, I decided to stay here. We were working together until last November. I got married in September, although my partner has always been here. She’s been here for 15 years.

Here, I feel very well. Everybody is very welcoming. I also always look for ways to feel comfortable with others, respecting them. I don’t talk about my preferences with everybody, because not everybody accepts what I am

It’s complicated to make friends. Here [Centre de la Roseraie], for instance, I told people that I am married to a woman and, I don’t know… men… There are men from many countries, and some stopped talking to me as soon as they realized that I am gay, because they were afraid of me. They said that I became a man. But, no, I have never wanted to be a man, because I dislike men.

Switzerland is very nice because I have local friends, so I spent my time mostly with locals, rather than with Latinos, because… well, it’s complicated, because there are many people that don’t understand, and that will never understand. They judge you, and I don’t want problems. I prefer to be happy in my world, and to be what I am.

My dream is to bring my son and daughter here, at least for a visit, but they are with my mom, and she hasn’t been feeling very well since my dad passed away. It’s been difficult for all of us, because we love each other a lot. I have 11 siblings. Nine brothers and two sisters.

I have never worked in Paraguay; I have only worked in Spain. And here, right now, I don’t have a job. Life is hard when you don’t have a job, because life is expensive, though I saved some money that I am using now. But all is good. I can’t complain. We are not at war, are we? And there is sunlight for all of us every day.

In my country, I suffered a lot for being gay, and I won’t go through that again. That’s also why I will not return and stay in my country, even if I have everything that one could dream of there, I lack the most important thing to me: happiness. And my freedom. There, now homosexual marriage is allowed, but there is lots of homophobia.

In Paraguay, I never dated a woman. I knew that I liked women, but I never had a girlfriend. My mom learned of my sexuality when I was twelve because I kissed a classmate. She hit me a lot, then.

When I was 17, I had never had a period, and I wanted to know why. My breasts never developed either. My mom took me to the doctor, and he said that I was different, something else than a woman, because my chest is like a man’s chest, not like a woman’s. I mean, everything was very complicated. He told me that, physically, I am half man, and that I will never evolve. And then, when I was 18, after using some hormones, I had my period for the first time. And my mom started demanding that I date a man. But I looked at the girls and I knew that I liked girls.

Then, I met a guy. I mean, he was very old compared to me, he was 44 at the time. I told him, “I am not sleeping with a man. We can do anything you want, but we won’t ever have sex, because it scares me.” I never really told him that I didn’t like him, but I actually felt disgust. One day he asked my mom permission to take me out. And he took me out and raped me. And I got pregnant.

I felt very bad after that, because I never wanted to become a mother. I didn’t want to have a baby. I really had a very bad time after I was raped. Everything became a game for me. I wanted everybody to pay for what happened to me.

Then, I met my daughter’s dad. He was my friend. He was my shoulder to cry on. He was everything. And I told him, “I want to experience motherhood, without being forced to.” I told him, “Look, I want to know; I want to feel it”. He was like my boyfriend. He would come home and tell my mom, “Can I take your daughter out?” So, we hung out sometimes.

One day I told him, “I am very disappointed. I don’t know what I want. I want to die”. And he responded, “You’re a fool.” Then I said, “I dream about being pregnant again, but this time because I want to.” He said, “Ay, having another baby,” and I replied, “I know that you like me.” After that, I invited him for a drink, and as he wasn’t used to alcohol. I was a heavy drinker after having my son. I gave him a glass of whisky with Coke. He got drunk, and I took him to a motel, and we slept together, and I got pregnant!

He still loves me. We are still very good friends. He is the father of my daughter. When I went to Paraguay, I introduced him to my wife.